


liefdesverdriet

by minjigay



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Changing Tenses, Crushes, Heavy Angst, M/M, Oblivious Lee Minho | Lee Know, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Seo Changbin, Seo Changbin-centric, Strangers to Friends, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, lee siyeon and jung wooyoung cameos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:47:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25416412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minjigay/pseuds/minjigay
Summary: Liefdesverdriet (dutch): the heartache caused from an unrequited love and the mental pains one endures; the physical pain of depression; more commonly known as love sicknessAll Changbin ever wanted was one thing, and that was Minho.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Seo Changbin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 54
Collections: things





	liefdesverdriet

**Author's Note:**

> this is a little over a year old and not my best work so i apologize for any inconsistencies ! shoutout to pam for being the best beta ever and to sally who i think has read the unfinished version of this i love u both <3 also disclaimer im not dutch FFFFF

It all started the summer before Changbin’s junior year, when Chan held a small party to bid farewell to the season and to commemorate a new school year. It had been small, only around fifteen people who came and hung around Chan’s basement. 

For Changbin, it was nice. He drank beer and played foosball, got beaten by Wooyoung and rapped a bit with Jisung when they did karaoke. One of Chan’s older friends, a senior by the name of Siyeon, had gotten her brother to tag along. His name was Minho, and to this day, Changbin refuses to acknowledge the pink that had tinted his cheeks when he first laid his eyes on him. 

Minho was handsome, anyone could tell you that. Light brown hair that framed his face perfectly, eyes wide and curious with a hint of mystery, nose straight and thin, with high cheekbones and lips that were curled into a permanent smirk. It didn’t help that he was charming and funny, and always knew what to say. His laugh wasn’t perfect but that didn’t stop butterflies from fluttering around in Changbin’s stomach, and the flutters only intensified every time Minho would talk, or smile, or look at him with such an intense, genuine gaze that he had to look away or else he knew he couldn’t stop staring. 

And then school started, and Changbin almost forgot about Minho with the stress of the new academic year. Almost. 

He can still remember the way his heart stopped when he entered the cafeteria Thursday morning, seeing Minho laugh at Jisung for another one of his weird antics. He was sitting there— at _their_ table. 

Chan sees him and waves him over, all smiles and dimples. Changbin gulps before moving his feet, walking over to them. Then he realizes the only empty spot is next to Minho, and he lets out a sharp sigh that he hopes no one notices. 

“Hey,” he greets casually, taking his seat. 

A chorus of greetings answer him before the group falls back into their precious conversation, which had been another one of Jisung’s weird stories. Apparently his neighbour’s cat had climbed their tree and walked into Jisung’s room via the tree branch, and clawed at his History textbook. He aggressively shoves his hand in everyone’s faces, showing them the little gingham band-aids on his fingers. 

Changbin just sits silently, occasionally nodding and laughing. He didn’t mind really, it had always been like this. He’s content to just listen to his friends talk, not one to share himself. He doesn’t think it’s a bad thing, he just likes the sense of comfort and familiarity it gives him because it had _always_ been like this, all eyes on Jisung, and sometimes but rarely ever Felix or Jeongin. 

  
  


It frustrated Changbin that he was in the same year level as Minho yet they didn’t have any classes together. In a way though, he was kind of thankful, he didn’t really need the added distraction of having his little crush in the same room as him for over an hour while he tried to understand how to apply trigonometric functions. 

However, about a month into the school year, Minho turns to Changbin while the rest of the group is yet again hooked onto another stupid story from Jisung. 

Changbin noticed how quickly Minho had fit in with them, and he understood why. He was like the last missing piece of the puzzle. He was witty and clever, smart enough to withstand Seungmin’s sarcastic remarks and funny enough to make Hyunjin laugh. He was kind to Felix and treated Jeongin like a little brother, always listened to Jisung with an open heart and an open ear. He’d already been quite close with Chan too, so it was easy for him to just slip into everyone’s lives. 

“You have Ms. Kim for biology, right?” Minho asks, those same wide eyes looking up at Changbin. They’re swirling with a sense of desperation this time, and he looks at Changbin like he’s the beacon of hope ready to save him. 

“Yeah,” Changbin replies, and it comes out more as an exhale than an actual response, but he prides himself for not getting the word stuck in his throat. “Why?” 

“I need a tutor,” Minho answers, a barely visible blush coating his cheeks as he talks. “She said a lot of things, basically implied I was one of her worst students academic-wise, and advised me to study harder or get a tutor.” 

“And you want me?” Changbin questions, just to make sure. “To tutor you?” 

“Yes please.” Minho nods, bottom lip jutting out in a small pout. “I don’t really know anyone else and I’d really love it if I were to spend my hours at the library with someone I’m comfortable with.” 

Changbin doesn’t even have to think it over, can barely stop the words from coming out of his mouth. “Okay, yeah, sure. But I’m also not that great at biology, so don’t expect to be getting straight A’s during finals.” 

“Thank you!” It takes a second or two for Changbin’s mind to register that Minho had just thrown his arms around him in a hug, and his own hands slowly come up to rest on Minho’s back. “You’re really saving my life here, Binnie.” 

  
  


Maybe agreeing to be alone with Minho for an hour everyday for five days a week wasn’t Changbin’s best plan, but he’d convinced himself that his feelings for Minho were a mere infatuation. 

_It’s just a tiny crush, it’ll go away soon._

He tells himself that as Minho leads him up the staircase in his house. They both decided earlier that the library wasn’t the best place for either of them, Minho needing music to study and Changbin agreeing to whatever he’d been saying because honestly all he could focus on at the time was how the sunshine had fallen perfectly on Minho’s eyes and how they were shining a gold, hazel colour. 

_Just a tiny crush._

“You can put your stuff anywhere,” Minho says once they arrive to his room. It’s not too small, and it’s the clean kind of messy, the one where stuff is everywhere but arranged nicely so that there’s a neatness to it. 

It feels weird hanging out with Minho alone. Changbin realizes this is the first time they’ve done that, even though they’ve shared many conversations with each other every time the group would hang out. 

Minho sits down cross legged on his bed and pats the empty spot next to him. Changbin follows, mirroring his position and pulling out what they needed from his bag before putting it on the floor. “Let’s get started?” 

Minho nods, smiling at Changbin sincerely. The latter’s heart flutters at that. He clears his throat and looks down at their biology textbook. “Page 36.” 

  
  


More and more tutor sessions passed, Changbin and Minho had gotten closer with each other. Changbin controls himself to not squeal at every little cute thing Minho does, and he thinks he’s got his crush under control. His heart doesn’t speed up as fast as it initially did when he sees him, and he can bite down the smile that dares to creep to his lips whenever Minho blinks rapidly or chews on the cap of his pen at a particularly daunting question. There’s hope that he can get over his crush soon. 

“Anyone free on Friday afternoon?” Jeongin asks suddenly. “We could go hang at my mom’s shop.” 

Jeongin’s mom owned a small dessert place not too far from school. It opened quite recently when she’d decided to retire early and do more of what she loved; baking. 

Everyone nods excitedly, knowing how good the food is. Changbin looks at Minho and smiles teasingly. “Skipping one session won’t hurt.” 

  
  


They’re all laughing, and everyone’s got big smiles on their faces as they stuff themselves with sweets. This time it’s Felix telling a story, of how a kangaroo had somehow ended up in their backyard back when he’d been living in Australia. 

The group of eight all have fun that afternoon, leaving the stress of school behind them as they forget about everything else but them in that moment. Jisung yawns, he’d mentioned sometime earlier how he hadn’t been getting enough sleep lately. 

Beside him, Minho notices, tells him to rest his head on his shoulder if he wants to. The sophomore nods, moving his chair closer to lean into Minho’s side more comfortably. The older wraps an arm around him subconsciously, not even thinking too much of the action as he continues eating his ice cream. Skinship like that isn’t uncommon in their friend group, they all cuddled and held hands if they felt like it. 

Across from them, Changbin frowns at the ugly feeling in his chest. He doesn’t like it, and he doesn’t like how close the two are. Maybe he’s jealous, but he convinces himself it’s nothing. Tells himself his feelings for Minho will go away soon. 

He’s wrong. 

  
  


“Hey,” Felix whines at Changbin, waving his chopsticks in front of his face. “Hyung.” 

Changbin blinks out of his trance, shaking his head. “Sorry, what were you saying?” 

The group decided to each lunch outside today, sitting at a table that overlooked the field where some students were playing sports. It’s a beautiful day, Changbin thinks. The sun is shining brightly, it’s not too cold, and the leaves are just beginning to tint orange as autumn starts rolling in. 

“Nothing,” Felix replies. “It’s just that you’ve been zoning out a lot lately.” 

“M’fine.” Changbin waves his hands dismissively, lightly prodding at the meat on his plate. “Just stressed about school, nothing new.” 

Beside him, Minho frowns. “We can stop the tutoring for a while, you know. So you can have more time for yourself.” 

“No, it’s fine!” Changbin says, a little too quickly apparently as Jeongin raises an eyebrow at him. Fortunately, he seemed to be the only one who found it weird so Changbin clears his throat and continues. “We don’t have to do that.” 

“Are you sure?” Minho asks, and Changbin has to turn away from those wide brown eyes gazing at him. “Just for a few days.” 

“Okay.” Changbin finally nods. “If you really want to.” 

Minho nods in finalization as well, just as the bell rings, signalling the end of their lunch period. They all start to clean up, throwing their trash and heading back inside the building. Everyone starts to go their own way as they head to class, but Changbin doesn’t miss how Minho pulls Chan aside, face nervous as the older trails after him confused. 

And maybe Changbin shouldn’t, but the curiosity tugs at the back of his mind and he can’t help but follow them. He stands behind a row of lockers, close enough to listen to their conversation even with the rest of the students all bustling around. 

“I need to ask you something important,” Minho starts, chewing on his bottom lip. “I’ve been thinking about doing something lately but I’m really scared of what could happen.” 

“What is it?” Chan asks, voice calm and understanding. “You can tell me anything, Min.” 

The younger takes a deep breath as he looks down. “I wanna — I wanna ask Jisung out.”

A twinge of pain and his stomach dropping. Changbin’s eyes widen as he hears those words, and his chest tightens painfully. _Maybe this crush isn’t so tiny after all._

Chan raises his eyebrows in surprise, eyes wide as he looks at Minho. “Now I wasn’t expecting that at all.” 

“Is that okay?” Minho asks. “I mean, we’re friends, you know, but I like him a lot, and I think he likes me back, but what if it doesn’t turn out well?” 

Realizing the worry and seriousness in Minho’s tone, Chan smiles, trying to calm him down. “Well, I can’t assure you that everything will be fine, but you should ask him out. Now that I think about it, you two would go well together. I know you’d make each other happy.” 

“Thanks, hyung. This means a lot.” 

Changbin, having decided he’s heard enough, turns around and starts walking to his fifth period. He blinks away the tears that threaten to spill and ignores the dull ache in his chest.

_Just a crush,_ he tells himself. 

  
  


Three weeks later and Changbin is back in Minho’s room, his book opened to a page about the stages of mitosis and his finger pointing at a diagram. He’s talking, but when he looks over to his friend, Minho’s eyebrows are furrowed and his gaze is far away; he’s not listening at all. The younger sighs, bookmarking the page before closing the book and moving everything aside. 

“Hey!” Minho blinks rapidly, and Changbin bites his lip out of habit. “What are you-” 

“You’re not listening to me,” Changbin deadpans. And maybe he’s scared, because he’s about to ask a question he thinks he already knows the answer to, but he’s a good friend, so he does so anyways. “What’s on your mind?” 

Minho chews on his bottom lip, looking thoughtfully at Changbin before sighing and sitting up properly. “I haven’t told you yet about Jisung, have I?” 

_No, but I know anyways._

“What about Jisung?” Changbin chooses to say instead. 

“Well, we’ve sort of been going on dates?” Minho confesses. The fact that Changbin doesn’t look the least bit surprised doesn’t make itself aware to the older as he keeps talking. “You know, testing the waters and stuff? I really like him, and I’m thinking about making it official soon.” 

_There it is again,_ Changbin thinks. The dull ache in his chest as he gazes at Minho sitting cross legged in front of him, looking at him with wide, hopeful eyes and a shy smile. 

“That’s great!” Changbin forces a smile on his face. “I didn’t know about you two, you should have told me earlier.” 

“You really think so?” The shy smile is wiped off Minho’s face as it’s replaced by a grin. He moves over, sitting right next to Changbin as they both lean on the wall. “I mean, what if he thinks it’s too fast? And we’re in the same friend group, I don’t wanna mess that up as well.” 

“You won’t,” Changbin reassures. As much as his heart is thumping against his chest, screaming _what are you saying!?_ to him, his conscience is able to outweigh his own personal feelings and instead do what’s best. “You are, after all, Lee Minho.” 

The man in question scoffs playfully, bumping Changbin’s shoulder with his. “You give me too much credit.” 

Changbin smiles at him, a pained yet genuine smile to show him that he really is happy for his best friend. It may not be what he wanted, but Minho is happy and Changbin has to learn to live with the fact that it’s not because of him. 

  


It works, for a while, avoiding the pair in the hallways and making up excuses as to why he wouldn’t be able to hang out. 

Minho did ask Jisung to be his boyfriend, a couple days after he and Changbin talked. Bitterly, Changbin wonders if Minho might have done differently if he showed his dislike towards the situation. 

But the thing is, he can’t. Not then, when they weren’t dating, and definitely not now, when every time he turns the corner he sees them holding hands in the hallway or chatting too close for comfort against Jisung’s locker.

_I can’t ruin them,_ Changbin has to keep telling himself in the mirror everyday. _I can’t be selfish like that._

But it’s hard to keep showing up to school and face his friends when everything he sees is a constant reminder of what’s never been his, and what never will be. 

_I’m happy for them, I really am._

But it’s hard to keep up that facade when he sits next to Minho everyday during lunch when he has an arm slung around Jisung as the youngest is telling yet another riveting story that Changbin can’t even listen to from now on. 

Changbin’s never been one to be petty, but he finds himself canceling all of his tutor sessions with Minho and distancing himself from their friend group. He allows himself to be just a little bit selfish by declining their offers to hang out, by barely talking at lunch and avoiding Minho when he can. 

So he figures he shouldn’t have been surprised when he’s walking past the boy’s bathroom one day and suddenly a hand pulls him into the room. Of course, it’s none other than Minho, with a worried expression on his face. 

“You’re avoiding everyone.” 

Changbin realizes with a startle that Minho isn’t angry. His tone isn’t harsh and his lips are curling up, the ghost of a smile that’s supposed to make Changbin feel comfortable. 

“Yeah, and?” 

“ _Yeah, and?_ ” There’s a little bit more bite when Minho repeats his words, but for some reason he keeps it under control. “Just tell me what’s wrong, Changbin.” 

Changbin should appreciate Minho’s soft tone of voice, should appreciate how Minho isn’t mad or screaming or anything like that. He’s calm, understanding, and Changbin _hates it._

“I can’t,” Changbin replies, short and quick because he can feel something tugging in his throat and he doesn’t know what to do with it. He hasn’t felt that lump in a long time, not since first grade when he was pushed into the sandpit by a bully whose name he can’t even remember and he’d become the laughing stock of his class for two weeks. “I can’t, Minho.” 

“Why?” Minho’s eyes are full of patience and concern. 

Changbin shakes his head and looks away. “Because it’s better if you don’t know.” 

“It’s better if I do,” Minho offers him a light smile. “I don’t like seeing you closed off, and I don’t like how you barely even hang out with us outside lunch anymore.” 

“It’s easier that way.” 

“Why?” 

“I - no,” Changbin shakes his head again, eyes on the tiled floor of the boy’s bathroom. “Just stop.” 

“Binnie,” Changbin sees Minho’s feet draw closer to him, and he looks up when Minho takes his hand. “Come on. We’re best friends, you can tell me anything.” 

“What if I don’t wanna be your best friend?” Changbin dares to say. 

“What?” Minho looks puzzled. “I don’t - I don’t understand.” 

“You shouldn’t,” Feeling tears prickling in his eyes, Changbin retracts his hand and turns away. “Just leave, please, go be happy with Jisung or whatever.” 

“What? Jisung?” Minho takes his hand again, waits until Changbin is lifts his gaze to Minho’s eyes. “Why are you acting like this? Tell me the truth, please.” 

“Do you really wanna know why?” 

Seeing Minho nod, Changbin takes a deep breath. 

“It’s because I’m in love with you. It’s because it hurts when I see you with him, see you look at him like he’s the only thing that matters in this world. It hurts when I see you two in the hallways, or at lunch, or when we hang out, holding hands and doing that thing that you do where you talk to each other quietly until you’re in your own world and not paying attention to the rest of us-“ Changbin takes another deep breath as he feels a single tear escape. "You talk about Jisung and your eyes light up and you get lost in your words and I don’t want to be, but I’m annoyed at how perfectly you two fit together— how it makes sense for you to be with him and not me. How you have such strong feelings for him and how he’s absolutely smitten for you, how I’m sure you’re gonna last for a long time no matter what. I try not to be jealous, because you deserve this kind of love and Jisung is my best friend and he deserves this kind of love, but the universe doesn’t seem to think that _I_ deserve this kind of love. All I ever wanted was one thing, Minho, and that was you.” 

A silence follows Changbin’s short outburst, nothing else heard except his heart pumping against his chest and Minho’s shallow breathing as his mouth gapes open. 

He stares at Changbin with wide eyes, those stupid, beautiful wide eyes, and Changbin can see the gears turning in his head. Confusion, surprise, and something else Changbin couldn’t identify, all swirling around in his eyes. 

When he’s sure Minho won’t say anything, Changbin tugs his hand away from Minho’s grip, pushed past him and exits the bathroom, wiping away his tears. 

The spotlight had _always_ been on Jisung. 

Always.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> if u enjoyed this pls consider donating to my ko-fi! ty for all the support hehe https://ko-fi.com/minjigay


End file.
